Entries in online dating (8)


You're dumped eHam

I finally deleted my eHam profile.  It felt weird.  Like I was letting an old friend go.  Throwing out a pair of jeans that once looked good on me. Killing off my chance to find love (pfffft, joking).  I won’t lie, as a What If Girl, it was hard. 

I’ve been on eHam for a few years – I don’t want to confess how long for fear of sounding like a loser – but it was fun.  When I first signed up I dated enthusiastically, lining up several dates every week, and chatting to a few men at once.  Then as the excitement of meeting potential partners wore off, I logged on only when I felt like it, throwing myself in and out of the dating world for as long as my self esteem would allow.

Now that journey – or should I say roller coaster - is over.  Yes, I’m still single.   But that’s okay. 

Did I meet some great men?  Absolutely.  Some of them I’m still in contact with.  Coffee Boy, one of my first dates, who texts me every year on my birthday to catch up.  Marathon Man, who I dated for a while (he’s now happily married again with another child).  Celebrity Chef, one of the hottest guys I met, swaps funny stories and emojis with me like we’re bored 15 year olds.  Oh and most recently, The Sailor, who was a brilliant dinner date and plus one.  I liked him a lot.  Never mind.  

I also talked to and met some weirdos.  IronMan, the uber strong Leo who had a voice like a jockey and talked in the third person about everyone.  Thong Man who had a fight with me because I didn’t want to meet him after ten minutes of chatting.  Smiley Face who said that women who wear glasses are librarians and that we let way too many asylum seekers into our country. Elvis the bragger and 50/50 boy the groper.  Delete.

Then there were the awesome guys I met but didn’t click with physically or emotionally.  Sometimes me, sometimes them.  The Food Scientist and I had a brilliant four hour date, then nothing.  Fireman Sam (an old school romantic), the Drummer (lots of fun) and Sauce Boy (who flew from Canberra to take me to dinner on Valentine’s Day).  All lovely guys, just not right for me. 

I also had some interesting match ups … Carlos the Spanish Horse Whisperer … Scott the Swinger who had a wife AND a girlfriend, and was looking for another playmate to join them … and the lovely Michelle, a woman transitioning and looking to explore the world of dating as she became a man.  Then there was Nick who ended up dating Twin Kat for a few months. Thank God she never brought him home.  Awkward on a new level. 

A huge shout out to The Painter, Italian Stallion and Five Perfect Dates who all have their own chapters in my upcoming book.  If I ever finish it. 

As I hit the delete button on my account I felt good.  It was time to try something new and get rid of the things in my life that weren’t working.  Done.  I closed my laptop.  A little later, however, I received more matches in my inbox.  What?  I logged on again to find I had only stopped my subscription, not deleted my account.  My profile was still there attracting men.  Nice try eHam. 

I searched the site and finally found the Close My Account section.  As I hovered over that tiny red button, I wondered if this was the right thing to do.  What If, my head taunted me.  What IF?!  No, I’m done.  We are done. 

I clicked the button and a collage of cute men scrolled across my screen with an ominous sentence … “Are you sure you want to close your account? These are some of the people you might be missing out on.”

Are you for real?!  Where the hell were all these hotties the past few years?  It’s like going to AA and someone waving a bottle of champagne in your face before you walk through the door. My self discipline may not be that strong.  I pressed the “Yes, Delete my Account” button.  Another screen popped up.   “Warning!  Are you sure you want to do this?”  

A list of reasons not to delete my profile tugged at me.  You will permanently lose all your matches.  Shame. You will lose all communication with your matches.  Fine. You will have to retake the whole relationship questionnaire (or 936 stupid questions about dumb shit as I like to call it).  Yep.  Got that.  I’m out of here.

Finally after getting through myriads of dating firewalls, my account was closed.  Dead.  Dormant.  Deleted.  Hundreds of men that didn’t quite fit me (or vice versa) disappearing into a cyber black hole.  Just like that.  My fallback database of potential love was gone … for good. 

 Surprisingly, it feels really good.  And no, I’m not signing up for Tinder.   


What the Hell just Happ'nd?

There are some sad nasty people in the world.  This week, I met one of them.  We didn’t actually meet (thank God) but he did invade my world for 48 hours.  48 hours of confusion, intrigue, bizarre conversation and abuse.  It was my first experience of cyber shit. At the time it was foul.  Right now it’s kinda funny.

You need to try a dating app, a friend told me. I protested. I don’t want to date.  I’m not sure I want a relationship right now.  I just finished seeing a really great guy for a few weeks, realizing that a commitment is not where I’m at.   How could this be any different to what I’ve already done in the dating world? 

Curiosity killed the cat.  And my self esteem.  Briefly.  Off I went to check out this so called love machine.  I have friends who are now happy and in love after meeting that way, what if it did the same for me?  I just wanted to have a look around and see what it was about.

Within days a guy sent me a Charm.  That means he likes me and wants to get to know me.  According to the FAQ page.  I read his profile.  He looks interesting.  Photographer.  Builder.  Avid traveller.  Speaks three languages.  Likes good conversation, great coffee and nice wine.  This sounds like a guy that might be good to get to know.  I accept his request.

Hello Tanya.  Nice to meet your acquaintance. 

Hello A.  Thanks for your note. What are you up to on this balmy evening?

Him:  Watching ABC2, scoffing at the current political landscape and eating Belgian chocolate icecream.  What are you doing right now?

Me:  That icecream sounds way more fun than watching political quagmire.

Him:  We should meet up and have a drink.

Does he mean now or at some point in the future?  I’m new to this app so not sure if it’s only for instant hookups, or you can chat and go on a proper date down the track.   Let me suss him out with a bit of humour.

That could be awkward as I’m currently in my PJ’s replying to work emails.

Three days of back to back meetings are killing me.  I have about 450 emails to go through.  30 more minutes and I think I’m done.  So tired. 

Oh you’re one of those girls.  Not interested Granny Puss.  Go find someone else to talk to in your roulette of men.  By the way, you’ll never find anyone as good as me.  

Sorry?  What the f*ck?  Granny Puss?   Is he for real?  What did I say?   Wow, now I’m feeling really good. 

Me:  WTF?

Him:  You’re obviously talking to a lot of guys at once.  Not interested in anyone with combo conversations going on.  I only want to talk to someone one on one.

Me:  Not talking to anyone else.  You asked me what I was doing.  Apologies for a bit of light Sunday night banter. I’m new to this app and was finding my feet.  Thought you were an interesting guy with beautiful photos.  Don’t worry about it.

Okay, getting off this app.  What a jerk.

Oh LOL, Tanya.  All good.  People on here talk to lists of others at once. I’m not that guy. It’s a numbers game.  More hits.  More dates.  More opportunities. Granny Puss = unique cat.  I head off to my apartment n London next week but perhaps we can chat further once you get your PhD in men.  :)

Me: I don’t need a PhD on men.  I need a manual for Happn!  Also this site doesn’t show off my outstanding sense of humour.  So how many people are you talking to?

Him:  So you’re not new to dating?  I think I should ask you out for a drink.

I’m intrigued about this guy. What’s he really like?  I want to find out.  I think.

Me:  Go on then.  Ask me out for a drink.

Him:  Tanya, would you like to go out for a drink with me sometime this week?

Me:  Thank you for asking.  I’d love to go out with you for a drink.  I’ll check my diary and come back to you tomorrow with date options.  I have an early start in the morning so will say goodnight. Thank you for an interesting conversation.

It’s  nearly 1am.   I am tired and delirious.  Does this guy have a weird sense of humour or is he a jerk?  I really can’t tell yet.   But I’m definitely intrigued.

At around 11am the next day, he wrote to me again, asking when I was free.   At least he’s keen and following up.  Some guys take three days to return messages.

I tell him that I’m free Thursday. 

Great.  Meet me at Joey’s Bar.  Around 8pm.  See you then.

Me:  Done.  Now tell me a little bit about yourself so I have something to look forward to when I meet you.

Him:  I travel a lot.  Have lived in London, NY and Spain. Age 39. Speak Spanish, Japanese and Greek.  Close to family, happily married sister. Live around the corner from the house I grew up in. Creative, photography.  Was understudy to a Japanese Sensei. Hopefully that will make me an interesting date not just on paper. 

Me:  That sounds like a very full life.  Does it make you happy and thankful for it?  Also, you didn’t answer my question about how many people you’re talking to …

Him:  Send me your number and I’ll send you a screen shot.  

A screen shot?  Of what?  Is this going to be a dickpic?  Surely not.  I text him my mobile number to say hi.  Much easier than this stupid system.  Might help to work out what sort of guy he is. 

He sends me a shot of his Happn profile.  It shows a photo of me, another girl (aged 36) and Charlotte, the admin on the site.  

Him:  See?  Not the megalist of a player.  Doubt anyone else on this site is the same.  

Me:  Charlotte is two timing me!   (See I can be hilarious).

Him:  No she isn’t.  So.  Let’s have a look at your inbox.

I screen grab my notifications page which shows four guys – him, Barry (a seemingly nice guy) and two weirdos who have sent me charms.  

Didn’t even reply to the bottom two, I tell him.

Him:  Can I have a look at your message inbox?

I screenshot the inbox with two guys – him and Barry (seemingly nice guy).  

Are you paranoid or don’t trust me? I ask.

I don’t trust 47 year olds.  No.

Who the f*ck is this guy?  Is he serious?  Massive douchebag.  Shutting him down.  

Me:  Wow.  Remember how we started our conversation?  You’re doing that again. 

Him:  Semantics.  We may now proceed to courtship. 

This guy is weird. I don’t have the energy for this.  I have a stack of meetings and work to do.  Deleting him later tonight.

A few hours later, I log onto the site and he’s disappeared.   Great.  

I text him.  Not sure why.  Think I just wanted closure on the situation.  Confirmation we were done.  My bad. 

You deleted me?  Good idea.  We’re obviously not on the same page.  Best of luck!

Him:  Of course.  I have your number?  No need to chat on there.  What’s wrong with you?  We don’t need online dating.  Happy to put you back on?  But what for?   Thanks for the best wishes.  J

This is what I was afraid of.  Him not understanding that I’m not interested.  

A, you’ve now insulted me twice.  I’m hoping by mistake but I don’t know you so really not sure.  Perhaps our senses of humour are different but I don’t think we’re on the same page. Thank you for an interesting few days of conversation.  Hope your London trip goes well. 

I add a smiley face as a ‘no hard feelings’ offer.  Dating is hard.  I think you need to be nice to people.  He obviously doesn’t feel the same way.

Miss whatever your name is.  Because I forgot.  You are clearly insecure.  I measured this with this action and it is obvious that control is an essential hallmark to your solitary existence.  No fear.  I’m sure you will find something other than me to enact what you’ve clearly got going on.  All the best Granny Puss.  I guess the youngins are cheaper than Botox … (maybe not for you).

He also added a kiss three minutes later.  Obviously to say ‘no hard feelings’.  It made me laugh.  A lot.  What a poor, sad man.  Someone smashed his heart. Bad. 

If you are searching for love, keep your eyes open for a charming (?!) creative guy who loves good conversation (abuse) and travel (hopefully leaving the country for good).  Also, if he tells you he’s 39, check out his Facebook profile.  I’m not that great with maths but I’m pretty sure someone who finished school in 1985 is 48. (Yes, older than me, the Granny Puss).  A liar, and a f*ckwit.  What a catch.  Happn, you can jam it. 



My dating days are done

My dating adventures have been long and well documented.  Mainly by me on blogs and at dinner parties when coupled friends ooh and ahh at my hilarious stories of singledom.  Some were jealous.  Most felt sad for me.  Hang in there, they said, you’ll meet someone when the time is right.  Blah, blah, blah.

I haven’t and I didn’t and I probably won’t so stop it.  Stop saying shit that you know nothing about.  It’s like encouraging someone to keep buying lotto tickets … just in case their numbers come up. They mean well but it's not their money they're wasting. Save your cash and spend it on something that makes you happy.  It’s time for me to do the same with my time and energy.    

Sometimes my dating was arduous, but it was mostly fun.  Heartbreaking now and again.  A great content creator to hide the way it sometimes felt.  Degrading.  Painful.  An emotional roller coaster.  If you’ve ever dated for a long period of time you know what I’m talking about.  It can lift you up … but it can also tear you down.  It’s time for me to hang up my hopes of finding a cool guy to hang out with.  I am saying goodbye to dating.

Sipping a latte in an uber cool café recently I looked around at a bunch of bored looking couples and had an epiphany. I realised that I don’t actually need a cool guy to fill my void – because I don’t have a void.  I have a life filled with more than most people have and really, do I want to spend Sunday mornings at my favourite brunch place ignoring the guy sitting in front of me?  No thanks.  I feel good about exorcising my romantic gene.  No more eHam.  No more set ups from friends. (Not that any of you tried – thanks for nothing).  No more nagging thoughts about men and being in a relationship.  I’m done with this journey.

And let’s remember, it was always a journey and never a destination.  Right?

As I pack up my dating portfolio, I wanted to highlight a few of the men I’ve encountered over the past year … and most importantly what they’ve taught me.  I often look for the lesson in things.  Right now, I’m still not sure what I should have learned along the way, but here goes. 

The Cyclist:  Thank you for reminding me that friends should always come before dumb boys with thick accents, no matter how cute they are.  Three bottles of pinot and a hot pash on the steps of the Opera House does not excuse my bad manners of being drunk at dinner with Texas Girl. Too drunk to eat that awesome seafood chowder.  Also, why did you never call me again?  I’m good at Long Distance, remember?

Insurance Man:  Thank you for confirming my belief on always being nice to people because you never know what challenges they are facing.  I understand you didn’t mean to constantly look at my online profile but not get in touch again after our first, supposedly awesome, date. Please don’t do that, it’s confusing.  Also, I’m sorry you have prostate cancer and have been busy with treatments.  I hope you feel better soon and the doctor has helped you with that medical hard on issue you described in your text message. 

Celebrity Chef:  Thank you for being cute, with gorgeous eyes and a brilliant smile. A boy that I could easily add to my “Amazing male friends in my life” collection. If you wanted me to. I like that we had fun, interactive and engaging text conversations and that you admitted I’m really funny. Funnier than you. Your lessons in emojis changed my world and I will forever love that I got to send you that little pooh smiley face emoticon and you thought it was cool.  I will miss the late night photos of your feet at the gym – and one day I might return the favour.  If I ever sign up.  Make sure you send me shots of bad eHam matches now and again so I can feel good about myself.

The Sailor:  Thank you for tricking me into believing I really could have another long distance non relationship like a FIFO miner. Let’s be honest, we’re not George Clooney and that chick acting out that movie Up in the Air.  You made me fall in love with Sydney and the harbor and fluffy bathrobes which made me really happy for a while …  but I think I saw something you didn’t.  Also, no one, not even my Nanna who doesn’t own a mobile phone, thinks it’s acceptable to text someone back three days later.  No one.  I will miss our dates, but I won’t miss the angst of not hearing from you for weeks on end.  Such a shame as I really liked you.  I don’t take just anyone to the opening night of Matilda.  Though you are an excellent plus one at an after party, coaxing waiters with arancini balls in my direction.  I really will miss you. 

The Food Scientist:  Thank you for being the one that finally let me see dating for what it is.  A handful of unicorn fairy dust where you think all your dreams will come true … and for three hours you really believe that … until it’s time to say goodbye and it becomes blatantly obvious that you’re never going to see each other again.  Our date was fun and I loved asking you 397 questions while you asked me nothing about my life.  (It’s okay, this is what 97% of men do on dates). I learnt a lot about free range chickens so not all is lost.  It’s just going to be hard to hang out in the egg section of Coles ever again.  And you had such gorgeous blue eyes and loved espresso martinis.  Damn it!

It’s been fun.  Sort of.   I’m just done.   I need to focus on the amazing things I have in my life, not the tiny little thing I don’t.

Please ignore the sweet bitterness in my tone.  I’m just adding a little bit of drama like the closing scenes of a bad soap opera.  I’m grateful that I’ve had so many adventures.  I’m not sure what I’m going to write / talk / whinge about now … but I’ll find something. A new hobby.  Sailing for one, perhaps?


Perfect on paper 


I’ve been on eHam for longer than our current Prime Minister has been in power.  Okay, maybe the past three Prime Ministers.  It’s been a long and interesting adventure and this year, as part of my declutter / simpler life philosophy, I’ve decided to part ways with my cyber cupid.  The time for me to shut down eHam has come. 

Except that I just noticed an amazing guy who looks like he’d be perfect for me.

We’re the same age (you know, late 30-ish), live in the same state (God forbid I’d try and do another long distance relationship) and think compassion and integrity are important traits.  Also, we’re both pretty funny.  Well I am.  I’m sure any man that confesses to making a fool of himself and loving iced Vo-vos is also a scream.  I can see us discussing my licorice allsorts obsession at length. 

I like the way this guy looks at life …  it’s like I’m reading about a male version of myself.  He believes that self deprecation is a good thing, especially to make people laugh.  Tick.  He’s a clutz.  Tick.  Seeing the best in someone is important.  Skinny Bitch tells me I see the world and everyone in it like Disneyland.  Tick.   He wants to be with a women who has her shit together but still embraces her inner child.  Tick. Tick. Tick.  I am the girl for you.

Quirky?  He would like to be with someone who is sensual, tactile and quirky.  I think I’m quirky.  Not that I’d generally use that word to describe myself.  Weird, maybe, in a good way.  Like lots of fun weird, not I collect toe nails from ex boyfriends weird.  I’m sure I can find my inner quirk somewhere.   

He also says he likes the nervous excitement of a first date.  Me too.  God knows I’ve experienced a lot of first dates in the past few years of my dating journey.  There’s the ‘what if’ factor that drives you to get butterflies in your stomach.  What if he’s the (next) one?  What if he’s a jerk?  What if I really like him and he feels nothing for me.  The potential and combined fear of What If is at its most powerful on a first date.

And that’s the clincher for dating.  The thought that this new person might just be the one you want to be with.  And vice  versa.  When you haven’t had that for a long time it can fill you with joy, but also scare the bejesus out of you.  I don’t want to mess up again and choose a man who only wants to ‘non date’ me.  I think I’d rather focus on running, writing and my friendships than put myself through the dating factory again. 

Is this guy different?  Is he right for me?  Will he be as good in real life as he is on paper?  Only time will tell.  First of all, I need him to reply to the cyber smile I sent him (eHam’s version of a Facebook poke).  If he doesn’t I’ll just add him to the pile of “Oh well, never mind, it wasn’t meant to be” situations I’ve collected in my life.   Then I’ll write a blog about it and we’ll all laugh before I move onto the new “What If” guy.

Come on J, don’t let me down.   We’re all ready – and waiting - for a win.  Otherwise it’s Adios eHam.  The balls in your court.  


The IT Guy 

I’d never really planned to write blogs about dating and the men I meet.  Dating is hard.  It can suck the life out of you.  My mantra has always been to treat everyone with respect.  I never want to be mean.  Recently, however, my dating life has resembled Alice in Wonderland.  I have no idea what’s going on.  I need to share these stories so that if you are single, you know you are not alone.  If you’re in a healthy relationship, hold on as tight as you can.  Really tight.    

In a moment of weakness I responded to an eHam smile from the IT Guy.  He looked okay, had nice eyes and his profile talked a lot about travel and doing good in the world.  Things I love.

His first note back to me was a little bit full on.

“I see you like to travel Tanya, but do you like to do REAL travel, is the question?”

If you call getting on a plane, seeing the world, meeting locals and eating their food, real travel then, yes, that’s what I do.

“I like to get out and sleep in the dirt, be at one with everything around me and REALLY see the WORLD Tanya.  Are you sure you’re REALLY traveling?”

Please stop yelling at me.  I slept on concrete floors in South Africa.  I’m doing fine.

In our second email, he told me where I worked.  Okay, so you have exceptional stalking skills.  Impressive but creepy. 

Our email exchange was a little weird but he seemed kinda okay.  The Sailor was missing in action and I was looking to see what else was out there – not much -  so we swapped phone numbers.

We tried to talk over the weekend but kept missing each other. He kept telling me his phone was in his pocket and to call him back ‘now’.  I did.  He didn’t answer.  Back and forth we went, leaving voicemails.  I got bored playing phone tag and told him I’d call during the week.

The text messages started.

When can we chat?  Are you free?  What time can I call you?  How is 8pm?

I’ll be at dinner with a friend at 8pm I told him.

He rang at 8pm anyway.

Just called U. Voicemail. How come you can’t take my call? What r u up to?

I’m at dinner you idiot.  I just told you.  (This was my head thinking, not my fingers texting).  I sent him a photo of T Girl’s dog.  So cute.  I might date him.

You know I really like your voice in the voicemail messages you have left me. It sounds a bit girlish … if you know what I mean.  You seem a bit ‘girl next door’.  You know … wholesome.  I like that. 

Okay, this is all starting to get a little weird and intense.  I better call this guy.  (He obviously has NO idea about my lack of ‘girl next door traits’.  Poor thing).

I rang him on the way home from dinner with T Girl.  I was a little shitty after having my phone beeping at me on and off all night but asked all my standard questions:  work, travel, family and recent dating experiences.

He asked who I’d been to dinner with.  Was I on a date?   Yes.  With a dog. 

I rattled off questions like a machine gun for the 23 minute drive home.  I wasn’t in the mood and didn’t give him Super Dating Tan.  I went through the motions and found out a few things but I really didn’t get a good vibe.  He seemed quite happy when we hung up the phone.  At least one of us was.

He texted randomly while I was interstate, referring to me as “Super Tanya” and “Marketing Director” … constantly using quotation marks to describe me.  I really wasn’t feeling this at all.   Perhaps The Sailor’s lack of text enthusiasm wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

IT Guy told me he had to go away camping for a week (sleeping on DIRT no doubt) but he’d love to meet me when he got back.  Let’s chat when you return I told him and off he went.  I knew I had to find a way to tell him I wasn’t feeling ‘it’ and we should call it off.  Not that there was anything to call off.  I needed to be gentle with him.  No need to be a bitch.  Just let him down gently. 

Last night, after a date with the super cute, super funny Chef I received a text from the IT Guy.

Hi Tanya.  I’ve been away with a close friend I’ve known for 30 years.  Things have changed for us both and there was a bit of a spark between us.  I would like to see what happens.  Sorry to pull back like this, you seem like a really lovely person, very genuine, intelligent, attractive and fun.  I wish u the best with your search.

Dating is bullshit.