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Saturday
Dec312016

Deleted

I read an article this week which said to leave 2016 behind and move positively into 2017, it’s important to get rid of the past.   To remove things that might hold us back from having a great year next year.  To throw things out.  To declutter.  To make room for the new.

These words spoke to me.  Any article about decluttering always does.  I read the articles, nod in agreement and vow to make changes.  Then the thought of actually throwing things away starts to make me feel a little anxious.  Where to start?  What about landfill?  How will I get rid of all my ‘unwanted stuff’?  I’m a What If Girl.  What If I need the things I’m being told to throw out?

I’m desperate to make 2017 one of my best years yet.  God knows that 2016 has been so exhausting for most of us, anything will be better.   I want to go into it with a clear head, a happy heart and the passion to do things that feed my soul.  If that means a bit of decluttering, off I go.

The article made a new and interesting point –  that we should also be getting rid of old text messages, emails and photos that are clogging up our phones and computers.   We need to delete them in order to clear space for new and better things to come along.   Okay, I can do that.

I looked at my phone and scrolled through my text messages.   The oldest ones were  from 2013 when I first got my phone.  Surely I don’t need three year old texts any more.  I methodically looked at each recipient and the number of messages we’d swapped … then hit the Delete All Button on the ones I didn’t want.  The first one was hard.  Then it became easy.  Almost therapeutic. 

There were 200 messages from Paddle Pop Lion.  They started off sweet and sexy with the early days of flirting and seduction.  As I scanned through the feed, it showed our history.   Getting to know each other – being more suggestive – making plans to catch up – missing each other.  The good times of us being together.  Then it turned.  He became jealous – I started to pull away – my Aunty passed away – he tried to be there for me – I wasn’t interested.   Finally, the text messages after our break up – and him reaching out to me for friendship.   Delete.  Delete.  Delete.  That part of my life gone.  I felt a little sad.  I also felt free.

Various work text messages from old work colleagues took up over 100 spaces.  Fun notes back and forth on what we’d done, congratulating them on success, and the occasional mishaps.  I’m proud of what we’ve achieved but I have new things to create next year.   Delete. 

A portfolio of my dating life screamed volumes about what I’ve been doing for three years.   Chris the Cyclist texted me briefly before our first date at the Opera House Bar, then thanked me afterwards.  We lamented that three bottles of red probably wasn’t necessary but the pashing on the way home was fun.   He disappeared after that.  No real loss.   Delete. 

Messages from Mark the Aussie (one date).  Deleted.   Messages from Adam the weirdo who found love with an old friend (no date).  Deleted.  Brad the boring super short date that talked about cauliflower and supermarkets.  Delete.  Matt the Cowboy who was sweet and funny but locations kept us apart.  Delete. The aggressive irrational ranting from the psycho who called me Granny Pussy.  Delete.  Delete.  Delete.  What a f *ckwit.  Thank God it made a good blog.

It was harder to remove the texts from old friends.   People that had meant so much to me over the years.  Ones that I thought would be in my life forever.  I re-read our funny banter one last time and recalled the fun times we’d had.   But there’s little point on holding onto those times and people when they’re gone and serve no purpose.   Thank you – I’ll miss you (sort of) – delete. 

I deleted around 500 text messages.   Some were hard to let go of and I felt a little sad.  Others needed to disappear.   I am not that person anymore.  That’s not my life.   I have no need for silly notes about cauliflower, dance parties and random dumb questions from someone trying to get to know me.  Delete. 

Although I removed a lot, there are still a few messages that will be harder to lose.   The magical back and forth of late ‘goodnights’ from the Policeman during the world’s shortest romance  – funny notes about me not being able to use my phone with my beloved friend Richard – the texts from my real best friends, the ones who are still here.   I’m happy to declutter, but some things are still precious.  I might just sit with those for a while longer.  

Tomorrow I’m going to start on the 4,826 photos and downloads on my phone.   Watch out 2017, I’m ready. 

Sunday
Nov092014

Hey Universe. WTF?

Do you ever stop and wonder, how did I get here?  What the hell am I doing?  What is this all about?  WTF?

I’ve had a really fun week.  Lots of functions and events.  Champagne and canapés.  Frocking up and feeling good.  Compliments from friends. (God bless Instagram).  Work has been busy but fulfilling.  I had my bestie in town and we got to hang out.  I’ve had so many moments of fun and happiness.  My life is pretty good.

A stack of weird, random stuff has happened too.  Things that make little sense to me and I’m left wondering “What the f*ck?”  

Perth Bestie and I caught up with Ms Brisvegas in a gay club.  We had one drink and only stayed for an hour. I took a photo of us dancing together and posted it online.  Two lesbians messaged me to see if I’d like to chat.  Good to know I’m attractive to someone out there.  

Three men I dated got in touch with me. Randomly. Out of the blue.  All in the same week.  Is it the full moon?  Am I putting out strange Contact Me vibes? 

The first was via text to ask me if I’d fallen in love yet.  (All the time, I replied.  Mainly with espresso martinis).  Yes, maybe with you idiot.  A long time ago. Not that you ever noticed.  Enjoy married life with your new wife. 

Another sent me a strange joke.  It’s kinda funny.  It’s mainly crude.  I didn’t reply.  I had no idea what to say.  What’s an appropriate line for a guy who isn’t right for you (and vice versa) … but keeps poking at you?  Any suggestions?

The most intriguing encounter kept my head busy for days.  It involved a bit of research (stalking) and detective work, after he left little clues all over my cyber world.  It was like piecing a jigsaw together.  HCM reached out randomly, leading me to discover an unexpected talent he has – something we have in common. Things he had never shared when we dated.  (Let me point out that this short lived but intense whirlwind romance only lasted 19 days, but I fell pretty hard, so silly me for assuming I knew about his secret passions). 

After three days of overworking both my brain and my phone, I ignored the knots in my stomach and texted him. Does this plus this equal this, I asked. Yes it does, he confirmed. Suddenly, we’re texting back and forth like we used to.  I won’t lie.  It felt nice.  It was one of the fun things I liked about having him in my life.  The banter that filled my world – starting first thing in the morning – then sending me off to sleep at night.  I missed that. 

Now I’m in a state of slight confusion.   He’s shared something great with me and I want it to continue but I’m not sure what’s going on.  Does he want to be friends?  Is he looking for feedback and encouragement? Is he trying to mess with my head?  I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone else.  He may even be in love.  So why, out of the blue, would he make contact?  The question we all ask ourselves when the past pops up unexpectedly and says “Hey, Whatcha Doing?”  

As I sit in a messy overthinking space my mind continues to play tricks on me, creating more scenarios than a Choose Your Own Adventure book. I’m trying hard – really hard – not to think too much about it. 

Yes, I’m failing miserably.

My final and most infuriating moment came from a guy I’ve never met.  We’ve never spoken. We exchanged just five emails – over a period of three weeks.  He suggested that I don’t ‘seem that keen on a relationship’, because, oh, I haven’t been sitting on my laptop waiting for him to message me – or replying immediately.  I have a day job – and a social life – and a super busy week of events, Judgmental Justin – I told you that in email two.  Were you paying attention?

He then went on to explain that he was ‘sort of dating’ a girl anyway, but if I decided I did want to meet him (since I look like I’d be a lot of fun), I should let him know.  Hey JJ, thanks for the offer, but you can jam it.  I’ve got three other men and two hot chicks who want to catch up with me.

WTF indeed.