I’ve had an epiphany. A realisation about myself. More self awareness. I’ve been spending time looking at my habits and patterns (good and bad), trying to work out what I want next in life. I blame a stack of Facebook and Instagram posts encouraging me to Follow My Dreams and not settle for less. Dammit.
Part of this came about after another hilarious (read hideous) dating experience. I wondered why I keep torturing myself, talking to men who are either damaged, f*ckwits or both. Why could I not just give up dating for good? Was I a sucker for punishment? Did I have a hidden issue from my childhood? Am I afraid to be alone?
Thankfully the answer is No to all of those questions. The answer is that I’m a What If Girl.
My head is constantly poking me with the statement “What If?” It happens in lots of areas of my life, particularly dating. What If this guy that I talk to / text / go on a date with is the love of my life? (I say next as I’ve been lucky enough to have had a few loves in my life.) What If he’s just awkward online but when we meet, we have an amazing connection and it’s on? What If I’m being too fussy? What If I give up dating and my next big love passes me by. What If?
I have the same issue when it comes to stuff. I have a lot of stuff. Some people call it clutter. I call it memories. I have a hard time throwing things out. You never know when you will need something, right? What If I get invited to a fancy dress party and the theme is double denim with a Brazilian dancer head-dress? What If someone asks to borrow a book I’ve read? What If I forget that I finished the New York marathon because I threw my runners out? What If?
Then there are the quirky little habits I have that I’m not prepared to drop in case I jinx myself or something bad happens. What If I don’t say Drive Safely to someone when they leave and they have a crash? What If I don’t call people when they pop into my head and something happens to them? (This has actually happened to me so I’m going to let this one go). What If I don’t tell the checkout boy that he gave me too much change and I get bad karma? What If?
Being a What If girl isn’t all bad. It actually has a really positive upside. It means I also wonder What If for good stuff. What If we created this amazing event at work and everyone loved it? What If I started a blog as a way to feed my creative juices? What If I trained really hard to run the New York marathon (and three others)? What If I chose to see the best in people and do what I could to have a happy life? What If?
I’ve decided to wear my What If Girl badge with pride. To not use it as an excuse to torture myself with clutter and crappy experiences, but to embrace it as a girl who sees the world full of endless possibilities. To use the term What If as a challenge to do more, be better and embrace that Follow my Dreams meme I saw. What If I never saw those inspirational quotes on Facebook? What If indeed.